I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
