You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
