I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
