you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
