DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
