Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
