just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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