you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
