You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
