$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
