When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
