Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
