and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
All I want is dick and wine.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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