I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
