I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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