I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
