I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
