the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
