mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Boobs speak an international language.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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