Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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