i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
