I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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