Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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