maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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