Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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