I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
