just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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