Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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