You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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