If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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