So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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