mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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