so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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