Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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