fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
