the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
