Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
