When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
