Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize