If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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