when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
