You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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