sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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