Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
try to milk me bitch
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