you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
