My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
