what if every blade of grass was a penis?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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