You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
