Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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