Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
