Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
