He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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