he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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