I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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