he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize