I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
