He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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