I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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