i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My feet surprised me
Randomize
