I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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