I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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