singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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