Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Randomize
