I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
