Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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